Today I woke with tears in my eyes. Silent tears–There was no sound. No cry escaped my lips, yet the tears flowed freely. I miss my mom, more than anyone could possibly know. Internal pain and hurt. Sometimes pain can be so great that a sound won’t come through. It can be so great that you are in the room but not present. You have a smile that doesn’t reach your eyes. You search for an escape. Somewhere to run from “Are you ok?” and “What’s wrong?” You hear it, you want to answer, but knowing as soon as you start, your chest will heave and your shoulders will go slack and it will be over. All the silence is now so loud, it’s yelling at you like a bullhorn. The tears so loud, and fierce that you can’t catch your breath.
Your eyes look around quickly searching for an escape. You just want to be alone. Just a little time alone. You feel no one understands. Who in your home understands? They love you and want to comfort you. You appreciate the thoughtfulness of it all, but unable to receive at the moment. You must leave the room. The air is getting so thick. You can’t breathe in there. You need air.
“Help me Lord!” you say in your mind. You don’t trust yourself to speak. “I need your strength right now Jesus.” , “Your peace that surpasses all thought…”
You get up and walk out the room. The Lord leads you to a quiet place. No one follows you. They all stare as you walk out the room. You feel their eyes burning into your back. They love you. You understand. But you want them to understand that you need time. “This too shall pass. Just a moment,” you say to yourself. “Just give me a moment alone. ”
You are now in His presence. You sigh. A huge sigh of relief and release. You cry. You then notice the tears drying up. You feel the warmth of His hug. You smile. You actually smile! In the midst of! Glory to God! You know that He is with you. His peace starts to overflow. “There’s healing in your tears.” He says. “You are not alone, I am with you always.” You are over joyed! You know this already, but you understand we all need reminding. We need to hear, “I love you” It can be understood, and doesn’t have to be explained, but you still bask in the sound of those words. His Spirit comforts you, and you start to feel normal again. You can actually have a conversation now without falling apart. You can go about your day.
Slowly your family comes to you–To your quiet place to check on you. First, your youngest daughter. She says, “You thinking about grandma?” You nod. “It will be ok, mom.” and leans over, hugs you and kisses the top of your head. She retreats. After a few moments your husband comes out. He asks how you are doing. You are ok and have a brief conversation with him. Your husband leans over and gives you 3 kisses and a hug. He lingers there. You smile, and cherish that moment. Your spirits are connecting in that moment. It’s beautiful.
This was a brief synopsis of my morning.
Jesus is real. I know it, and I want others to know it. Even when I’m going through. Even with a loss of my mom, going through my breast cancer journey, and my dad currently in a cancer fight for his life. He’s real. Every now and then I will find tears in my eyes, with no words. God catches all my tears.
I write. I’ve kept journals since I was 14. Writing is such a major release for me. It’s therapeutic. I aim to teach through my life experiences. I have much to share. The Lord has put this on my heart. Pressed it actually. I’ve had silent tears today about my mom, but I’ve had them in the past about my life. I’ve had them through molestation and rape. I’ve had them through divorce and starting my life over. Feeling like a failure. I’ve had them through pushing through when I just wanted to fall apart. Do you have silent tears? Do you have internal pain that you feel no one can understand? It’s not easy to share, is it? But sharing is therapeutic. Your testimony can and will help someone. We all share this human experience. There is nothing that you have gone through that someone else hasn’t. Nothing is new under the sun. I also understand that everyone can’t share. And that is ok. I am leaving the comfort of silence to speak. In my speaking, I want to show you Jesus. In my life, I want to show you Jesus. Look at me. You can see what He can do. The transformation power of His Glory! Hallelujah!
The Gift of Jesus!
You have so much joy because He gives you joy. Joy is not found in your circumstances. You look to Him. Circumstances change. Happiness is predicated on circumstances. You can be happy one second and sad the next. Joy is found in Jesus. Peace is based on what’s going on at that moment. But with Jesus, He gives you peace despite the conditions you find yourself in. Trust me. I know. I have so much experience with Him, and there is more to come. As long as I keep living.
John 14:27 “I am leaving you with a gift–peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.