I’m trying. I’m resting in you. Today, I’m reflecting over it all. I know you’ve been with me. You’ve been by my side and in front of me. Lord, sometimes I want to scream! Sometimes I want to cry. I am so strong and I hold things together but I don’t always want to. I have to. People are watching: My husband and children are watching. My family, and church members are watching. Clients and strangers are watching. You have me on display.
I’m an example right? That’s what you told me. I’m an inspiration and have to show people how to walk this thing out. I’m a walking epistle. Yeah, and I’m all for that most days.
Lord, I’m trying!
Reflecting, as I lay here in pain. Right now I am fighting emotions. I am in my feelings. I’m down again with another surgery, just when I was feeling somewhat “normal” again. “You’re almost at the finish line,” my cousin says. Yes cousin, almost. But what’s the finish line? Truly? I will always have to deal with something since the diagnosis. A year ago today I had tests done to determine if I had breast cancer. The results of course were positive. And thus the journey began. A new journey. Don’t get me wrong Lord I’m thankful to be alive. I’m thankful for growth. But my body seems like it has never recovered. I don’t care what I look like on the outside, I don’t feel the same, and it’s weird. Well, each day is better than the last. I thank you for that. Thank you for grace.
I’m a different me. A better me? Sure, spirituality I am. Mentally and emotionally, I’m stable. I’m sane where I use to feel insane sometimes. Physically I am not better. I feel old and achy. I wish I was courageous enough to go with no boobs. This surgery sucks. But I’m not sure I want that or just want to be left alone and speaking from that place. Right now Lord I’m overwhelmed with my limitations from surgery. I’m so active that sitting down is foreign. I feel unproductive, and for a productive girl it’s hard to sit. But it’s needed.
Be still and know….Yes, God I hear you.
Lord, you’ve allowed so much to happen to me. So much…You say, I’m stronger than I know? Yes, I am starting to be aware.
I miss my mom. I wish I could talk to her…hug her.. hear her say my name and laugh with me. My mom understood me best. I miss my dad. He was so fun. Just a cool guy. I cry for them. Everything happened so fast Lord. Just a year. Lord help me! Thank you for being my Comforter. Thank you for your peace that surpasses all understanding.
Before I was saved I didn’t have all these problems. Now, I’ve had to close my business. I’ve lost my mom and dad and fighting a disease that kills people every day. Yes, I’m in remission, but my doctor says my reoccurrence rate is high so she watching me for 5 years. That is on my mind. I must have another surgery next month. That is on my mind. Whose report, you say? Well, I believe Yours, of course. I’m just reflecting.
All will be well! You are my Healer. Yes Lord. I know. I thank you.
I’m anxious for it to be over. What a long year it’s been Lord. Not to you though. A day is as 1,000 years for you.
Be anxious for nothing, yes I know…I hear you…
This journey is so rough emotionally and no one around me understands. They love me and they do the best they can. I love them.
Lord, I’m trying. I lay here trying to be comfortable when all I can do is stay on my back propped up on pillows. I can’t raise my arms. Can’t bend down or lift anything…Yes, I know it’s temporary. I try to stay focused on that fact. Yet sleep eludes me when I close my eyes.
I am thankful my daughter is driving herself to work and school. What a blessing! …Hating that I have to rely so much on her when she’s home to clean and cook. She’s tired. She is the sweetest and does so much for her mommy. My youngest daughter pokes her lips out when asked. That’s teenagers for you. But she does it – sometimes joyfully, sometimes begrudgingly. She’s a sweetheart too but she has a lot of my sass that’s for sure. But honestly, why do I have to ask anyway? They know I keep my house clean. Just do it! Because I can’t. I take good care of them all! It can get frustrating for me.
Photo by Jad Limcaco
Lord I’m trying!
You say not to worry and just rest. So what if there’s a little clutter? So what if there’s a few dishes.
Don’t worry. Heal daughter.
You know what? I’m tired of being poked and prodded. Tired of surgeries.
You say to be thankful and I am. I’m thankful that I have a husband who loves me and works hard to take care of us. I’m thankful for my beautiful children. I’m thankful to be alive.
You know what? I feel guilty sometimes that I can’t do the regular things around the house. I feel guilty that I’m not ironing my husbands uniforms. I know I can’t right now. I know I’m limited. It’s temporary. Yes God. I know.
It’s impatience? Forgive me Lord. Sit and stay in your Presence? Focus on you? Yes God. Have mercy Lord.
But, I wish I could ask for help. Lord it’s so hard to ask for these things. My momma did that to me. There is still pride in me Lord. Continue to purge me.
Thank you for letting me vent Lord. Thank you for being a present help in time of trouble.
Sometimes it’s lonely…this route you’re taking me… these wonders you’re showing me. Who would believe me? People believe what they see but you’ve shown me to believe when I don’t see.
You let me see in the Spirit. You give me amazing dreams. I can’t articulate your greatness.
Lord, I’m trying. You’ve told me to rest and not worry. And you know that I do that. Forgive me in this moment. I’m venting. I haven’t slept well. My body aches. I hate complaining. I feel weak complaining.
This is all apart of my process. I’m on a journey. You’ve taken me to a higher level and you aren’t done. I’m grateful. I like to speak open and honest Lord. My concern, always, is that I’m not bringing reproach to your name. I don’t want to do that. Only Glory.
I think of you all the time. All the time. Above anything or anyone.
You call me faithful. Well Lord after all I’ve been through, all I’ve seen, all you’ve brought me out of, how can I not be faithful?
Lord I’m trying!
This thing is an everyday faith walk. No joke. No lie. And I can’t make it looking at anyone else. Not my husband, children, friends, family, or church members. People let me down. I’ve let them down. But you… you are constant. You don’t change. Lord I thank you!!! I give you glory, honor and praise cause you alone are good! Thank you for capturing each one of my tears.
Thank you for changing my life!
I know that you’ve allowed me to go through so much to be a testimony of your goodness. A testament to your ability to keep one in perfect peace, despite any trial. To show that you are a Deliverer, a Healer and Way-maker. Today, I am still in perfect peace. Even now. My joy overshadows any sadness I may temporarily experience.
It’s so different in my household Lord. You’ve made me a housewife. I laugh. Who wanted that? Not me. I’m a career woman. Right? Ha! Lord I’m trying! You’ve shown me that you are my Jehovah Jireh! My provider. The way my income set up, it could be no one or nothing but you Lord!
Why are my thoughts so different? I’m kinder, more patient. Now, I’m thinking of my family. I’m putting my husband first. My children… I use to put the salon first. Put me first. Put getting money first. I used to be selfish Lord. I use to be cut throat. I could cut someone with my words. I can admit it now. I chased money. I loved the freedom it afforded me. Yet I was bound! Lord I thank you! I chase you now! You provide for me and I am not yet what I will become.
I’ve looked at the woman in the mirror. I’ve faced her head on.
What have you done to me?
You’ve made me soft! I don’t even argue anymore. The fighter doesn’t even argue or fight! Glory! I give a soft answer. Only you God! I want to cook and clean for them. I want to spend time with them. I use to spend so much time at the salon. It was my getaway. Lord you’ve made me a wife. A happy wife! And in response my husband has become more affectionate and loving towards me. There is nothing he wouldn’t do for me. Even cleaning if I asked lol. But I get it. The man works very hard outside our home. I know I’m loved. I feel it. I don’t question my husbands love for me. Even when he’s overwhelmed. This has been hard for him as well. I pray for him. I keep him before you. Strengthen him Lord!
Lord, you are something else. Now I’m smiling. I love you. I love the new mind you’ve given me. I love my forgiving heart.
You’ve allowed so much to fall on me because I can handle it. I’m pretty strong but where I’m weak you show your strength. Lord, I thank you. I’m leaning on you and not my own understanding. My understanding leads to confusion. You aren’t the author of confusion nor do you operate in it. Glory! I know when I’m operating in my flesh. Thank you for discernment. I console myself knowing that you will perfect that which concerns me. I know that you will keep me in perfect peace when my eyes are stayed upon you.
I’ve become peculiar. I’ve always been different, but now I’m “peculiar“ as one of your chosen. That’s what you said. You said, I’m not only called, but I’m chosen. I find comfort in your validation. I find comfort in knowing who I am. I said life was easier before being saved. Not true. It was me doing what I wanted on my own terms not knowing who I was. It was me struggling to find identity through men, women and also career. It was me smoking my days away thinking I’m living it up cause I could afford the good stuff. It was me making money my god. Me with a veil over my eyes.
Lord, I thank you
Thinking because I was making the devil’s money that I was good. I didn’t have to ask anyone for anything. I was truly living in deception. That’s what I know now. Lord, I thank you! The biggest thing you’ve done for me is to change my outlook. I can see! Not only with how I see myself but how I see everything else. I’m walking in complete transparency and for a girl who lived most of her life lying and hiding that’s huge!
I have these moments of reflection. I may even experience frustration and sadness. I’m thankful that they are fleeting moments. I am so aware that it makes me not fit in anywhere. I can’t say things because you’ve told me not too. I’m obedient above all. I fear you. I fear you more than I fear perception.
Lord I go to church and you’ve opened my eyes even there so that I see. Sometimes, I don’t want to see. Seeing can hurt. I feel a sadness. You show me so that I can pray. I want everyone to want you and pursue you. You’re so good! I see the complacency. I see the “It don’t take all that” looks and feel the energy. I see the real and fake love even towards me. I can’t act on it except to show love. To pray. You told me some look at me in wonder. You told me they are curious. Some are downright irritated. Show love. Yes God. I will. I love that you are there. Because you ARE there. Your presence fills the place. Thank you for my church home. I spread my arms to you in submission. I scream Glory and Hallelujah! I don’t care who’s looking. If they knew what I did they would praise you too! You are amazing.
Sometimes I feel so much that it’s hard to contain. Lord, I love you. Yes, I will rest. You know I’m thinking of my book. My deadline. I know you’re laughing. You’re laughing because you got me. You know all things. You gave me the book so I know all will be well. You showed me a glimpse of the plan. You know I’m excited and nervous about it. I want women to read and be encouraged. There’s no turning back for me. Elevator with no floors. I’ll just keep rising but to your glory. Not mine. You know how I feel about that. Your will. Your way.
Photo by Hanny Naibaho
Thank you for making me new.
I feel strong and bold knowing that if you’re for me, who can be against me? You said just “live it.” My fruits will be seen from my household and then outwards. I see it Lord. And, others see it. This is a testament to your goodness. You’ve come in like a whirlwind. I thank you. Everything’s falling in line. It fell apart just to come together.
Better than before. Stronger than before. Rest, you tell me. Abide in you. Be encouraged. I hear you Father.
The enemy tries me. But I’m aware. I’m not afraid of him. I see how he creeps in my weak moments. I may be in bed and sore but I can talk! My words have power! God I thank you! You’ve given me spiritual sisters. A bond that I’ve never experienced before. My sisters have been here taking care of me. It brings me to tears, the love they’ve showed me. You’ve blessed me with a spiritual mother who loves me truly. Who prays for me, speaks into my life, gives me advice and correction. She spends time with me. She is a mother of many and I’m thankful to be apart of her life.
Lord, I thank you. I will rest. I will abide. I will listen. I will obey. I will wait. I will acknowledge you in all my ways. I am grateful. You’ve orchestrated stops in my life that I didn’t understand at the time. Lord, I thank you. I remember the dream a few years ago when I asked for a medium slurpee and you gave me one so large I couldn’t even carry it lol. You said that eyes have not seen, nor ears heard, nor has it entered into my heart the things you’ve prepared for me because you know the thoughts you think towards me.
God, I thank you! For every trial, and every encounter I’ve had with you! I thank you for my struggles. I thank you for my wilderness. Sometimes you make me stay hidden. Yet, you allow me moments to come out. Lord, I thank you. I walk in a grace that I didn’t before. Continue to strengthen me. Continue to stretch me. Continue to mold me. Keep me on the Potters wheel.
There is no real happiness apart from you. You offer true contentment. True joy and peace. You make me randomly smile. Lord, I love you. I thank you. Keep me forever at your feet. In Jesus name. Amen