Tag Archives: faith through breast cancer

Dear God

Dear God,

I’m trying. I’m resting in you. Today, I’m reflecting over it all. I know you’ve been with me. You’ve been by my side and in front of me. Lord, sometimes I want to scream! Sometimes I want to cry. I am so strong and I hold things together but I don’t always want to. I have to. People are watching: My husband and children are watching. My family, and church members are watching. Clients and strangers are watching. You have me on display.

I’m an example right? That’s what you told me. I’m an inspiration and have to show people how to walk this thing out. I’m a walking epistle. Yeah, and I’m all for that most days.

Lord, I’m trying!

Reflecting, as I lay here in pain. Right now I am fighting emotions. I am in my feelings. I’m down again with another surgery, just when I was feeling somewhat “normal” again. “You’re almost at the finish line,” my cousin says. Yes cousin, almost. But what’s the finish line? Truly? I will always have to deal with something since the diagnosis. A year ago today I had tests done to determine if I had breast cancer. The results of course were positive. And thus the journey began. A new journey. Don’t get me wrong Lord I’m thankful to be alive. I’m thankful for growth. But my body seems like it has never recovered. I don’t care what I look like on the outside, I don’t feel the same, and it’s weird. Well, each day is better than the last. I thank you for that. Thank you for grace.
Photo by Diana Simumpande on Unsplash
 
I’m a different me. A better me? Sure, spirituality I am. Mentally and emotionally, I’m stable. I’m sane where I use to feel insane sometimes. Physically I am not better. I feel old and achy. I wish I was courageous enough to go with no boobs. This surgery sucks. But I’m not sure I want that or just want to be left alone and speaking from that place. Right now Lord I’m overwhelmed with my limitations from surgery. I’m so active that sitting down is foreign. I feel unproductive, and for a productive girl it’s hard to sit. But it’s needed.

Be still and know….Yes, God I hear you.

Lord, you’ve allowed so much to happen to me. So much…You say, I’m stronger than I know? Yes, I am starting to be aware.
I miss my mom. I wish I could talk to her…hug her.. hear her say my name and laugh with me. My mom understood me best. I miss my dad. He was so fun. Just a cool guy. I cry for them. Everything happened so fast Lord. Just a year. Lord help me! Thank you for being my Comforter. Thank you for your peace that surpasses all understanding.
Before I was saved I didn’t have all these problems. Now, I’ve had to close my business. I’ve lost my mom and dad and fighting a disease that kills people every day. Yes, I’m in remission, but my doctor says my reoccurrence rate is high so she watching me for 5 years. That is on my mind. I must have another surgery next month. That is on my mind. Whose report, you say? Well, I believe Yours, of course. I’m just reflecting.

All will be well! You are my Healer. Yes Lord. I know. I thank you.

I’m anxious for it to be over. What a long year it’s been Lord. Not to you though. A day is as 1,000 years for you.
Be anxious for nothing, yes I know…I hear you…
This journey is so rough emotionally and no one around me understands. They love me and they do the best they can. I love them.

Lord, I’m trying. I lay here trying to be comfortable when all I can do is stay on my back propped up on pillows. I can’t raise my arms. Can’t bend down or lift anything…Yes, I know it’s temporary. I try to stay focused on that fact. Yet sleep eludes me when I close my eyes.

I am thankful my daughter is driving herself to work and school. What a blessing! …Hating that I have to rely so much on her when she’s home to clean and cook. She’s tired. She is the sweetest and does so much for her mommy. My youngest daughter pokes her lips out when asked. That’s teenagers for you. But she does it – sometimes joyfully, sometimes begrudgingly. She’s a sweetheart too but she has a lot of my sass that’s for sure. But honestly, why do I have to ask anyway? They know I keep my house clean. Just do it! Because I can’t. I take good care of them all! It can get frustrating for me. Photo by Jad Limcaco on Unsplash

Lord I’m trying!

You say not to worry and just rest. So what if there’s a little clutter? So what if there’s a few dishes.
Don’t worry. Heal daughter.
You know what? I’m tired of being poked and prodded. Tired of surgeries.
You say to be thankful and I am. I’m thankful that I have a husband who loves me and works hard to take care of us. I’m thankful for my beautiful children. I’m thankful to be alive.
You know what? I feel guilty sometimes that I can’t do the regular things around the house. I feel guilty that I’m not ironing my husbands uniforms. I know I can’t right now. I know I’m limited. It’s temporary. Yes God. I know.
It’s impatience? Forgive me Lord. Sit and stay in your Presence? Focus on you? Yes God. Have mercy Lord.
But, I wish I could ask for help. Lord it’s so hard to ask for these things. My momma did that to me. There is still pride in me Lord. Continue to purge me.
Thank you for letting me vent Lord. Thank you for being a present help in time of trouble.

Sometimes it’s lonely…this route you’re taking me… these wonders you’re showing me. Who would believe me? People believe what they see but you’ve shown me to believe when I don’t see.

You let me see in the Spirit. You give me amazing dreams. I can’t articulate your greatness.
Lord, I’m trying. You’ve told me to rest and not worry. And you know that I do that. Forgive me in this moment. I’m venting. I haven’t slept well. My body aches. I hate complaining. I feel weak complaining.
This is all apart of my process. I’m on a journey. You’ve taken me to a higher level and you aren’t done. I’m grateful. I like to speak open and honest Lord. My concern, always, is that I’m not bringing reproach to your name. I don’t want to do that. Only Glory.
I think of you all the time. All the time. Above anything or anyone.

You call me faithful. Well Lord after all I’ve been through, all I’ve seen, all you’ve brought me out of, how can I not be faithful?

Lord I’m trying!

This thing is an everyday faith walk. No joke. No lie. And I can’t make it looking at anyone else. Not my husband, children, friends, family, or church members. People let me down. I’ve let them down. But you… you are constant. You don’t change. Lord I thank you!!! I give you glory, honor and praise cause you alone are good! Thank you for capturing each one of my tears.

Thank you for changing my life!
I know that you’ve allowed me to go through so much to be a testimony of your goodness. A testament to your ability to keep one in perfect peace, despite any trial. To show that you are a Deliverer, a Healer and Way-maker. Today, I am still in perfect peace. Even now. My joy overshadows any sadness I may temporarily experience.
It’s so different in my household Lord. You’ve made me a housewife. I laugh. Who wanted that? Not me. I’m a career woman. Right? Ha! Lord I’m trying! You’ve shown me that you are my Jehovah Jireh! My provider. The way my income set up, it could be no one or nothing but you Lord!
Why are my thoughts so different? I’m kinder, more patient. Now, I’m thinking of my family. I’m putting my husband first. My children… I use to put the salon first. Put me first. Put getting money first. I used to be selfish Lord. I use to be cut throat. I could cut someone with my words. I can admit it now. I chased money. I loved the freedom it afforded me. Yet I was bound! Lord I thank you! I chase you now! You provide for me and I am not yet what I will become.
.Photo by Jeremy Vessey on Unsplash

I’ve looked at the woman in the mirror. I’ve faced her head on.

What have you done to me?

You’ve made me soft! I don’t even argue anymore. The fighter doesn’t even argue or fight! Glory! I give a soft answer. Only you God! I want to cook and clean for them. I want to spend time with them. I use to spend so much time at the salon. It was my getaway. Lord you’ve made me a wife. A happy wife! And in response my husband has become more affectionate and loving towards me. There is nothing he wouldn’t do for me. Even cleaning if I asked lol. But I get it. The man works very hard outside our home. I know I’m loved. I feel it. I don’t question my husbands love for me. Even when he’s overwhelmed. This has been hard for him as well. I pray for him. I keep him before you. Strengthen him Lord!

Lord, you are something else. Now I’m smiling. I love you. I love the new mind you’ve given me. I love my forgiving heart.
You’ve allowed so much to fall on me because I can handle it. I’m pretty strong but where I’m weak you show your strength. Lord, I thank you. I’m leaning on you and not my own understanding. My understanding leads to confusion. You aren’t the author of confusion nor do you operate in it. Glory! I know when I’m operating in my flesh. Thank you for discernment. I console myself knowing that you will perfect that which concerns me. I know that you will keep me in perfect peace when my eyes are stayed upon you.
I’ve become peculiar. I’ve always been different, but now I’m “peculiar“ as one of your chosen. That’s what you said. You said, I’m not only called, but I’m chosen. I find comfort in your validation. I find comfort in knowing who I am. I said life was easier before being saved. Not true. It was me doing what I wanted on my own terms not knowing who I was. It was me struggling to find identity through men, women and also career. It was me smoking my days away thinking I’m living it up cause I could afford the good stuff. It was me making money my god. Me with a veil over my eyes.

Lord, I thank you

Thinking because I was making the devil’s money that I was good. I didn’t have to ask anyone for anything. I was truly living in deception. That’s what I know now. Lord, I thank you! The biggest thing you’ve done for me is to change my outlook. I can see! Not only with how I see myself but how I see everything else. I’m walking in complete transparency and for a girl who lived most of her life lying and hiding that’s huge!
I have these moments of reflection. I may even experience frustration and sadness. I’m thankful that they are fleeting moments. I am so aware that it makes me not fit in anywhere. I can’t say things because you’ve told me not too. I’m obedient above all. I fear you. I fear you more than I fear perception.
Lord I go to church and you’ve opened my eyes even there so that I see. Sometimes, I don’t want to see. Seeing can hurt. I feel a sadness. You show me so that I can pray. I want everyone to want you and pursue you. You’re so good! I see the complacency. I see the “It don’t take all that” looks and feel the energy. I see the real and fake love even towards me. I can’t act on it except to show love. To pray. You told me some look at me in wonder. You told me they are curious. Some are downright irritated. Show love. Yes God. I will. I love that you are there. Because you ARE there. Your presence fills the place. Thank you for my church home. I spread my arms to you in submission. I scream Glory and Hallelujah! I don’t care who’s looking. If they knew what I did they would praise you too! You are amazing.
Sometimes I feel so much that it’s hard to contain. Lord, I love you. Yes, I will rest. You know I’m thinking of my book. My deadline. I know you’re laughing. You’re laughing because you got me. You know all things. You gave me the book so I know all will be well. You showed me a glimpse of the plan. You know I’m excited and nervous about it. I want women to read and be encouraged. There’s no turning back for me. Elevator with no floors. I’ll just keep rising but to your glory. Not mine. You know how I feel about that. Your will. Your way.Photo by Hanny Naibaho on Unsplash

Thank you for making me new.

I feel strong and bold knowing that if you’re for me, who can be against me? You said just “live it.” My fruits will be seen from my household and then outwards. I see it Lord. And, others see it. This is a testament to your goodness. You’ve come in like a whirlwind. I thank you. Everything’s falling in line. It fell apart just to come together.

Better than before. Stronger than before. Rest, you tell me. Abide in you. Be encouraged. I hear you Father.

The enemy tries me. But I’m aware. I’m not afraid of him. I see how he creeps in my weak moments. I may be in bed and sore but I can talk! My words have power! God I thank you! You’ve given me spiritual sisters. A bond that I’ve never experienced before. My sisters have been here taking care of me. It brings me to tears, the love they’ve showed me. You’ve blessed me with a spiritual mother who loves me truly. Who prays for me, speaks into my life, gives me advice and correction. She spends time with me. She is a mother of many and I’m thankful to be apart of her life.
Lord, I thank you. I will rest. I will abide. I will listen. I will obey. I will wait. I will acknowledge you in all my ways. I am grateful. You’ve orchestrated stops in my life that I didn’t understand at the time. Lord, I thank you. I remember the dream a few years ago when I asked for a medium slurpee and you gave me one so large I couldn’t even carry it lol. You said that eyes have not seen, nor ears heard, nor has it entered into my heart the things you’ve prepared for me because you know the thoughts you think towards me.
God, I thank you! For every trial, and every encounter I’ve had with you! I thank you for my struggles. I thank you for my wilderness. Sometimes you make me stay hidden. Yet, you allow me moments to come out. Lord, I thank you. I walk in a grace that I didn’t before. Continue to strengthen me. Continue to stretch me. Continue to mold me. Keep me on the Potters wheel. There is no real happiness apart from you. You offer true contentment. True joy and peace. You make me randomly smile. Lord, I love you. I thank you. Keep me forever at your feet. In Jesus name. Amen
Photo by Quino Al on Unsplash

The Authenticity of the Writer

Why I write

I enjoy writing immensely. If I could just write and that was all, there would be no issue. Regrettably, that is not the case. Being obedient to the call that the Lord has placed on me is exciting and uncomfortable at the same time. Granted, I have been speaking my mind, and posting scriptures for years on my personal platform. However, using a professional platform to showcase my writing leaves me vulnerable and open in a way that I didn’t feel before. Even so, this is what has been asked of me.

I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. This is not in question. At the same time, I am being pulled to the front for all to see. As a result, I feel butterflies in my stomach after I publish my posts. I wonder if it will be received and if people will actually get it? “Am I qualified to write books as the Lord says that I will do?” These thoughts and more cross my mind. In any case, I believe the word when it says that God does not call the qualified, but qualifies the called. I can’t boast in myself, but in God! (1 Corinthians 1: 27-31)

The power of my Testimony                        

My testimony is powerful and will help many. I believe that with all that is in me. Be that as it may, it will also get me some side eye from the church folk. Yet I must fearlessly forge ahead! In addition, God blesses and adds no sorrow, so it will definitely work out. That is not the issue. He told me that I would have to be bold and courageous for this next season. Strangely enough, I happen to be both bold and courageous LOL. Truly. If you are a follower of my blog or even my personal social media, you can attest to that.

Authenticity is important in the christian walk. I remember being one way at home and another in public. Do you know how taxing that is? I’m sure some of you do. Some of you are that way. I am thankful to be continually pressing forward in the freedom that truth has given me. In fact, being truthful and leaning on God is how I live my life now. Of course that wasn’t always the case, yet I’m thankful to say I’ve progressed in the Lord during my Cancer journey more than I ever have prior to. (Psalm 107:1-2) (image source: Google.com)

My Progression

As a matter of fact, tragedy opened my eyes and ears to see and hear Him. Furthermore, I am home and not running the streets or in the salon from sun up to sundown. Instead, I am with my family. The growth that has been attained in my household is enough for me to shout, “Hallelujah!” Of course nothing is perfect, but let me tell you! The way my husband and I communicate with each other now versus a year ago is amazing progress. We are applying the word to our marriage, and as a result we are seeing the fruits. (Matthew 19:4-6) What gets me the most irritated in my home is not my husband but my children LOL. Discipline and consistency is what I am working on with them. (image source: Pinterest)

Who I’m writing to

I speak and write on these things to be encouraging to the body of Christ, but especially to married women. Consequently, I mostly relate to married women, as I have been married and divorced and married again. I write to the married christian woman who is not where she wants to be in God.

I also relate to women in general who are fighting the good fight of faith! (1 Timothy 6:12)

These women have a past that they need to forgive themselves for. As a matter of fact, they may have a “present” that needs forgiven. A “present,” that is rocky and bound with strongholds. I’ve been there too.

Jesus has already forgiven us, but we need to forgive ourselves and go forth with what He has called us to do. (2Corinthians 5:17) (Ephesians 1:7)

Transitioning

God is calling us higher as a body, and I recognize that. He is moving in a beautiful and miraculous way. The sermons the last few weeks at my church had many confirmations for me. In fact, this past Sunday spoke volumes to my spirit. It was the Spirit of God speaking through Pastor.

The Lord has revealed Himself to me in ways that have blown my mind. For this reason alone, my life will never be the same. He has changed the entire course of my life.

For example, I am a full time homemaker and writer. Who would have thought that would be my life? Not this lady. I just wanted to be in the salon, and write at my leisure as I’ve been doing for years. And not to knock housewives, because my mom was one, but that was not my plan. (Proverbs 16:1)

Still, it has been a great experience thus far. At home and the writing aspect. Of course with the writing, I have to keep learning the professional way to do things to pen a book. In fact, my writing keeps improving every time I sit down and type. Thank you Jesus! I am smiling as I write this because I know what He said to me. The vision is big and I only know in part, yet without the Lord it will not happen. (Proverbs 16:1) (Psalm 127:1)

At this point it’s all about obedience. It’s not about how I feel. All things considered, if you leave it up to me, I would still be in the salon and writing my little tidbits here and there on my facebook page. 

But God!

In conclusion

Finally you guys, I want to thank you. I know some look at me as if I’m crazy walking away from my salon to sit home and write. You know how I know that? Because I see some doing it when I tell them that I am not returning to the salon. They ask how can I leave something that was certain, for uncertainty? I try to explain this faith walk that I am on; however, everyone can’t receive it.

If you happen to know me, and you’re wondering what is going on, I will tell you like this: I am living my life in a way that I never have before. Freely! I am loving myself in a way that I wasn’t capable of before. Truly! In fact, my husband is loving me in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I would tell you that God has been working on me and through me, and I am letting Him. He’s stripped me bare and turned me to the mirror to face myself. Furthermore, I trust God. I am on that staircase walking up when I can’t see the next step. (Hebrews 11:1)

 

 

 

The “C” Word

What word comes to mind for you?

In my life right now, the word, Cancer comes to mind. It’s what I have been dealing with since I received the call in December of 2016 confirming my diagnosis after mammograms, ultrasounds and biopsies. Cancer sucks, by the way.

A double mastectomy with lymph node axillary dissection followed in January of 2017.

Stage 3 Metastatic Breast Cancer was the official diagnosis when it was all said and done.

Another C word that accurately describes my feelings after receiving the news was, confused.  I was unable to think clearly. Quite bewildered. How could I have cancer? Why do I have cancer? So many questions came to my mind. Things were going so well for me in my personal and professional life. I had school set to start January 3, 2017. I didn’t understand. I had lost my mom June of 2016 and was learning to deal with that. I was not comprehending why all of this was taking place. “I must be really strong Lord, ” I would say to God.

Confession. I had to accept my reality. I would not speak on it at first. I chose to tell a select few. Speaking of it made it more real; however, I had to accept the facts, and make appropriate adjustments to my life. Confession. I started speaking the word of God over myself. The word says, “The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16)
I believe God. I believed that He would heal me.

Comforting. This word describes the feeling I had after starting to rest in the Lord. Not rest in sleep or lying down, but in trusting God 100% with what was going on, depending on Him for all my needs. Rest from worry. Initially, I was reading everything I could get my hands on, and every google article. I was hungry for more information and also testimonies of others in a similar situation. Comforted also, by my family and friends who kept me lifted in prayer.

comfort

Courageous! Going through this journey has unlocked an inner strength that I didn’t know was there. I’ve been a strong woman all my life. I have tackled many things and overcome many obstacles. Yet this was my strongest one yet. This is not for the faint of heart. It’s so important to keep your mind positive in a bleak situation. It’s important to have positive people around you.

Throughout my cancer journey, I’ve learned to enjoy my day to day. Tomorrow is not promised. Heck, the next hour isn’t promised. I keep my eyes on the Lord. I spend more time with Him. I spend more time with my family. I see life with new eyes. It’s precious. Time should not be wasted. I see that I am completely dependent on God. We say that, but when it’s tested, you become acutely aware of it’s authenticity.

I have a disease that is killing people everyday. This fact does not go unnoticed by me. I have a great team of doctors, but the Lord is my healer. He told me that this was not unto death for me. Yet, He said that this was a process that I would have to go through and it would not be pleasant. Whatever I go through, as long as He is with me I can do it. I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

I thought I would be done after Chemotherapy, but, no I had to do Radiation. My scans were clear and for all intent and purposes I am “cancer free”, yet I am not done with my treatments. I prayed countless times for an answer. I didn’t want to do it.  The Lord would not remove this from me. I asked Him too. As He told Paul, His Grace is sufficient for me. (2 Corinthians 12:9) I thank God for Grace. What I have come to understand in my quiet times with the Lord, that I need to complete the entire process. I am not to rush it along. I am not to rush back to work. I am to be obedient. When I am feeling a little better, I tend to become quite busy. That is not what He wants.

Lymphedema is what I am currently dealing with in my right arm and hand. It causes daily swelling and pain. This is preventing me from working in my profession as a Hairdresser. You know I said, “Really, Lord?” with a smile, and a shaking of my head. “I get it.”

we can make our plans but the Lord determines our steps

We make plans. But God has His own plans. His are so much better. What an interesting journey this has been. I am still in the midst of it. The doctors told me at the beginning of January to dedicate 1 full year to this process, and I keep trying to interrupt it. The Lord also wants me to dedicate this time to Him, as He develops me spiritually. I will do hair again. I am not sure in what capacity, but I do not feel that it’s over. I do not want to work as hard as I was. I won’t be behind the chair all day. I do know that. I often overworked myself.  I have a love for hair and a passion to helping women look their best. When you look good you feel good.

The other passion of mine is teaching. Through my writings I am able to teach and it feels amazing.  I write daily. I can’t hold a pen too good for a long period of time, so I don’t write in my journals, I type instead in a notepad. I’m writing blog posts, in addition to another book. You have no idea how exciting this is for me. I have enjoyed writing even as a child.

Content. I am in a state of peaceful happiness. Yes, my life was turned upside down. Finances changed dramatically and body modified, yet my joy is still here. I find joy in the Lord, so even though life happens, I am able to have joy and peace. Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him (Job 13:15)

God is a keeperPsalms 121-5

There is still more ahead and I am excited, because the Lord has something wonderful in store for me. (Jeremiah 29:11 and 1 Corinthians 2:9) It’s already miraculous. I am healed! That’s God! I am not without problems and never want it to come across as that. I have daily struggles as you do. I have upsets and frustrations. I allow myself to feel whatever I need to in that moment. I am a firm believer in allowing yourself to feel; however, do not stay in a negative place. Keep it moving. And deal with each day as it comes. Deal with today, and tomorrow when it comes, as it says in Matthew 6:34, it will have it’s own troubles.

To commune with Him and hear Him speaking to me blows my mind! To have gifts revealed to me and confirmed is astounding! I have witnessed much during this time. This is something that I cannot put into words for you guys on this post. Not yet. I am gaining a great relationship. A meaningful one that has changed my life forever. Jesus is real. He is alive and on the throne. He loves us. He truly does.

Seek Him! While He still may be found.

I welcome comments.

Share how you cope with your trials. Maybe you can add to the “c” words?

Be Blessed.

Proverbs 3:5-6New Living Translation (NLT)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
    do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
    and he will show you which path to take.