Happy New Year!
As I reflected on the past year, I realized that there were multiple opportunities where I didn’t honor my boundaries which frustrated me. I could have worded that sentence by stating that others weren’t respecting my boundaries, but I must respect and honor them first. Granted, I did honor my boundaries with some but neglected them with others.
You teach people how to treat you, including family and work connections. But how could I teach them something that I wasn’t doing? This is why self-reflection is important. This will help you not be quick to blame others but to look at yourself and your contribution to your circumstances or mental state.
Do you have healthy boundaries in place? Share in the comments.
Respect your Boundaries
What are boundaries? Boundaries are physical or emotional limits of appropriate behavior between people that a person creates to protect themselves from being used, drained, or manipulated by others. Boundaries are unique to each person, and they help define where one person ends, and the other begins, so they are a crucial part of maintaining identity.
Setting boundaries is considered an important relationship skill. We set boundaries for ourselves on how we want to be treated by others and how we treat others. Boundaries can be set with romantic partners, friends, family, co-workers, and strangers to communicate to others what types of communication, behavior, and interaction are acceptable for you and what you will and won’t tolerate. (Excerpt from https://us.calmerry.com/blog/self-esteem/healthy-boundaries)
For instance, I am a business owner who sets her own hours. My hours are time boundaries. If I say that I am not working on Tuesdays, but I regularly respond to people who contact me on Tuesdays, then I am not respecting my boundaries. If I say that I am setting a certain time for prayer and study and allow that time to be interrupted and disrupted, I am not respecting my boundaries.
I took time, as I often do, to self-reflect. I invite you to do the same. During that time, acknowledge what is working and what isn’t. Acknowledge who is transactional in your life versus who is only withdrawing, making no deposits. Then ask yourself why and what your role was. Then make a declaration of your intention to work on that. You must keep it real with yourself for this to become effective. As my motto in life states, #liveloveBEauthentic.
That looks something like this:
I noticed I wasn’t honoring my boundaries and became frustrated because others weren’t respecting them.
Why? Because I was afraid of disappointing them. I wanted to please them and make them happy.
I declare that I will no longer dishonor my boundaries.
I declare that I am only responsible for what I say and do, not others.
I declare that I will honor my time. My time is valuable, and I can’t get it back once it’s gone.
Now you try it. Where aren’t you honoring your boundaries? Acknowledge it. Be real. Why did you allow it? What will you now declare? Share in the comments.
Boundaries on your mouth and your ‘clap back’
Do you often feel the need to respond to every word attack via text, verbally, email, or social media? Words do hurt, but you can ignore people. You can set a boundary so that you won’t engage in stupid arguments. You can stroll past social media posts resisting the urge to add your 2 cents.
When you go outside of that, you have now allowed them to penetrate the boundary that you didn’t honor. We are in a society where “clap back season” is applauded. People are responding to those they know and don’t know. It’s natural to want to defend yourself, but make sure you are pausing. There is a revelation in the pause. When you pause, instead of just reacting, often you’ll change your mind about replying. We have more control over ourselves than we exercise. I speak about this in detail in my book, “You’re Not Disqualified.”
It’s human nature to want to defend yourself, but it’s better to stand on what you know is true and believe God when He says, “Vengeance is mine, and I will repay.” Just understand that God knows all sides and deals in absolute truth. If you are high in self-awareness, you’ll see the truth and not just try to make yourself look good. I do well in this area for the most part. I have struggled to defend myself to my husband, whom I am now separated from, from false narratives and gaslighting. But I had to stop defending myself and pleading my case to friends and close family. Doing this is setting emotional and mental boundaries. I came to a place of rest. Rest to protect my peace. Rest because, ultimately, God knows and sees all. That is enough for me. What about you? Do you clap back online? Have you had toxic relationships where you found yourself pleading your case? Let me know in the comments.
Whirlwinds of Change
The last two years of my life have been a whirlwind. There’s been a significant disruption, and God shook places that needed to shake. Sometimes, if you ignore a situation, He will bring it to the forefront, and you must deal with it. It will become so blatant that it can no longer be ignored. Since we are all doing life together, I know you’ve had your own shakings.
My stance is, Have Your way, God! And I mean it. I live my life out loud, meaning my wins and losses are known and seen, for the most part. This is painful sometimes, but it’s necessary because of my particular call and place in God’s vineyard. Nothing is ever wasted with Him. You also must go through painful times with the understanding that you aren’t in the fire alone. Even as you progress in life, do so without causing unnecessary stress by establishing healthy boundaries with yourself and others and honoring them.
I share this to encourage you to move forward in faith, being obedient to the call that He has on your life and where He has placed you. Don’t spend this year wandering, not knowing where you fit or what you’re supposed to do, because the whirlwinds of change will continue to swirl. You fit IN Him, and you’re supposed to be honoring Him with your life daily. If you give Him your days daily, He will direct your steps.
Relinquish the control of the outcome. This is the hardest part and why you may stumble often. I can guarantee that the outcomes may not be as you suspected, but know that God sees all and knows all, and He has your best interest at heart because you carry His name. His will, will take place in your life.
You know, I had to allow space to discuss authenticity. 🙂 Living an authentic life doesn’t mean you won’t have issues. It doesn’t mean you can’t help others while going through it. What it means is that you are aware of who you are and live according to your core values. It means that you love according to your values. You stay true to who you are. I love genuinely and fully. I give myself authentically to those I love. I am also aware that I have a threshold of what I can deal with, and I’ve learned to honor my threshold in whatever relationship I have. Once it’s met, I make the necessary adjustments to shift people, places, or things.
Authenticity is living free of the burdens of shame or guilt. You understand that life happens, and you turn that mess into a message. You allow yourself space to heal and reflect. You don’t hide out of fear. Now, in all fairness, you will have moments of fear, guilt, and shame, but a person living authentically does not live in those spaces. They visit with them and learn from them. It’s said that the more you know, the more you grow. But in my case, the more I know, and apply what I know, the more I grow, allowing me to help others.
In being authentic, establishing and respecting your boundaries allows you to acknowledge that you may not have had any boundaries with some people, and you’ve made up your mind to rectify that. You will get pushback from others. If you switch up and start taking care of yourself in the way of boundaries, those who aren’t used to you standing up for yourself and saying, “No,” will react. Be prepared. In response, you can tell them that you may have accepted certain things in the past but no more. You have accepted that you show up for your friends, but they don’t show up for you, and you let it go, but it eats you up inside because you aren’t authentically using your voice. It’s okay to let people know that things are different for you. You may limit your conversation with someone. It’s okay. You may stop going to certain places. It’s okay. Change is good. Your needs may be different now, which will affect your boundaries. Refrain from arguing about what is healthy for you. I hope this helps.
Your boundaries are your responsibility. Healthy boundaries must be set in your dietary habits, exercise, study and prayer time, ALL relationships, and other areas of your life. Don’t expect others to honor what you don’t.
Kingdom Women Write
I love you and appreciate you being a part of my blog community. I want to invite you to join my Facebook group if you are interested in writing in any capacity, Journaling, poetry, book writing, etc. This is a group for Kingdom Women. It’s called Kingdom Women Write (Writing Community). I declare that I will be more intentional and visible this year and beyond in my group. I slacked greatly last year in my engagement.
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2 Comments Add yours
I love this !! Definitely need to take some time to self-reflect.
I love this and agree that boundaries are a big thing that’s taken too lightly with Believers because we don’t want to “appear” a certain way to other people but we don’t care as much of how we appear to God. Boundaries are a GOOD thing and we need to establish them and adhere to them. If not, it will be a free- for- all and will be conducive to a crumbling and shaky foundation within yourself.